Brought to you by Rupert “Bear” Murdoch
Rice Ain’t Nice
In a shocking turn of events, Trinity’s Rice exchange students have been deported from Texas back to the UK. In an exclusive interview, ICE informed Travisty that the students had broken the conditions of their visas by achieving higher grades than American students in exams. Posting to Truth Social, the President commented, ‘We can’t allow woke Cambridge students to beat Americans in exams. We do the beatings around here.’
A Cut Above the Rest
In a departmental email, the Medicine faculty urged students not to perform C-sections on C-Sunday. Wanna-be doctors were advised not to use miniature cocktail swords to slice open their compatriots, who may or may not by under the anaesthetic influence of liquid courage. The warning was signed off with a questionable slogan: ‘Sloshed surgeons make oopsies, not operations.’
Hall of Cards
Mere weeks after the scaffolding came down, Great Hall has collapsed into a pile of rubble—the most impressive pile of rubble in Europe. The ancient foundations crumbled in the early hours, as the students lay sleeping / studying / performing unspeakable acts. Three nonagenarian fellows— scrounging for a midnight snack of port and cheese— were crushed beneath the vaulted beams, freed from a miserable existence of sneering at contemptible undergraduates. Student and staff food service will continue as normal in the Old Kitchens and fellows will be rationed to two bottles of wine and one roast swan per dinner. Trinity’s architects are already furiously scribbling designs for a new Greater Hall to rise from the rubble. Travisty is hoping and praying that it won’t be brutalist.
Smoke on the Water
Black smoke billowed over the Vatican today for the Papal Gender Reveal, as the Conclave voted for yet another man. Said one cardinal, ‘We almost accidentally elected a woman once, but then she washed her hands after going to the bathroom so we knew she couldn’t have been a man.’ Another cardinal commented, ‘tweet tweet tweet.’
Caught Nailing
Last week, a porter caught a theology student nailing a pamphlet to the chapel door. The piece contained five bold theses decrying corruption amongst the college fellows. When pressed for their motive, the student admitted that they had ‘intended’ to write 95 theses, but got bored after five. The chaplains are holding a ceremonial burning of a facsimile of the pamphlet in the ante-chapel on Tuesday evening, the original having been lodged in the Wren Library.
Tumblin’ Tickets
Rumours are circulating that Mr Tumble will headline this year’s May Ball. Readers may remember Mr Tumble’s record-breaking Glastonbury set, Something Special: Live, where he sang Blurred Lines, WAP, and Cigarettes and Alcohol to a cheering crowd of hundreds of thousands of toddlers. In response to the speculation, resale prices on Ticketbridge has increased ten-fold. Clearly, Cambridge is frothing at the mouth for an unforgettable performance from the whole Tumble family. When asked for comment, this year’s May Ball president said, ‘I can’t confirm anything just yet; all I can say is, this year’s ball will be something special.’
Travisty 