‘The Observator’ observes the paranormal.
You are cordially invited to my exorcism in Trinity Chapel, beginning at midnight to correspond with the next full moon. The Choir will sing hymns, but only the minor-key ones which are a bit scary, to ensure suitable fear and trembling. Gowns to be worn at your own risk: your sleeves may be set alight when the hellfire starts raining down.
Drinks will be provided. Trinity Port, or the blood of a sacrificial lamb. They come from the same supplier, apparently. It’s one of the more ethical companies Trinity invests in. I actually requested margaritas, but was told that my conduct the one time they had margaritas after Compline is part of the reason why I need to have an exorcism. Kyrie eleison.
Although I’m not sure where I first contracted the possession. I think I caught it off of [redacted] when we [redacted] after Evensong. Or it’s like when I drank too many weird homemade cocktails a few weeks ago. I’ve overdone it on sin, and it’s all sloshing around inside me, making my stomach churn and my head pound. The sin needs to come out, like the cocktails did on the street, and also on the bus. Maybe I can scrub it out, like that one dark night last Michaelmas when I tried to have a relaxing bath in the Whewell’s basement. Now that was a descent into hell… Anyway, does anyone know where I could get a few gallons of holy water? And would adding bubble bath be sacrilegious?
Like Saint Michael wrestling the devil in the painting above the altar of the chapel, I am engaged in a spiritual war. You see, the demon who’s possessed me is rather crafty! He somehow managed to work his way into the hearts of the markers of the essay where I finally decided to unleash my hot takes and the recruiters at the Civil Service Fast Stream who weren’t taken by my situational judgement skills. Its mischief knows no bounds!
But I have a few questions: I recently learned at Trinity Chapel that angels don’t have a gender. Does this also apply to demons? I need to know how to address the evil spirit properly, to get on its good side. Perhaps the Dean could make contact with the demonic force beforehand to check? I want to show proper respect to the damned and the divine; there’ll be hell to pay if I don’t.
And what does the Good Lord have to say about it all? Shouldn’t he be fighting in my corner? I wonder if it’s because I didn’t say the Creed. It’s a belated teenage rebellion, you see. Sing his praises all you want, pray before you sleep. I’ve been smitten anyway; by him, or him, or her, or whatever. They say the devil is not dead, he’s chained, so I suppose he’s a bit like the guys in the park by my house with their scary dogs on those extendable leads. He’s having a chat, or a smoke, and Satan lurches at some kids. The whole possession dynamic is a bit like the one I had with my ex-situationship. Around occasionally, punitive sometimes; sure made me feel like dust. But when he would be good, oh, how I’d exalt him! Start the organ, it’s time for a Magnificat! So he probably is in the corner of my spiritual war. Grinning because he knows he’s better, like some twat with a signet ring.
Refreshments to be served in the ante-chapel afterwards. Hopefully the demon will stay to mingle. God will likely be absent. Remember that this service will be live-streamed and you may be recognisable, in this circle of hell, and in others. The circles of hell may be recognisable, too, because there’s one that looks quite a lot like Trinity Library in Easter Term. Although it’s a bit cooler, and the toilets are actually quite nice compared to the library ones on a Bank Holiday Monday. Hang on… that must be where I caught the possession! That’s it! Gloria in excelsis!
Leave a Reply