Travisty

John’s targets Trinity Port fortifications in latest wave of strikes

St John’s College has opened a new front in its war against all that is good and holy. Late yesterday evening Heather Hancock, sister of Matt and Master of John’s, authorised the porters to fire a barrage of Iskander tactical nuclear warheads at the Trinity cellars. ‘Their port is dismayingly fine’, the Master is reported to have said to her fellow Johnians, while urging them to show ‘no mercy’ towards ‘the sort of people who swill Warre’s ’63 like mouthwash’. No casualties were reported, human or alcoholic, and the sediment in only a handful of bottles was disturbed. We have been told that Sir David (long may he reign) had long been receiving college security briefings and commissioned fortifications to defend the cellars against the long-anticipated attacks as he processed with the fellows to the chapel for his installation service, which, we understand, is why the procession took so bloody long.

Trinity Football Club found guilty of 12,344 financial offences

It turns out that money can’t buy you happiness — not even when it’s spent in the South. Such was the unwelcome discovery made this week by Trinity Football Club, who were convicted of a truly stonking number of what we would refer to rather as financial ‘indiscretions’ than as the ‘offences’ detailed by the impartial panel, comprised of the fellowship of Caius and a local consortium of communists and Masons and chaired by the CEO of Scudamore’s. ‘We’ve let ourselves down’, the TFC captain told us; ‘we wanted to bring in some strength up front, in the shape of an Erling Haaland, as well as some tactical ingenuity in the midfield — maybe a Kevin de Bruyne or a David Silva — and rounding out the back with a Ruben Diaz and perhaps an Ederson or a Donnarumma. I suppose it’s harder down south. Asked for comment, Sir David (long may he reign) said only: ‘Game’s gone’. Don’t look back in anger, lads.

Porters win the Nobel Peace Prize

Finally someone deserving won one of these blasted prizes — was, we understand, what Sir David (long may he reign) told the recipients of the 107th Nobel Peace Prize, the Porters of Trinity College, Cambridge, who were honoured ‘for their efforts to prevent tourist attacks against Trinity College and its surrounds’. Tourism has long been a pressing policy issue in Cambridge, where assaults against fellows and students are a near-daily occurrence. ‘From herds of bussed-in language learners storming Great Gate to timid students protesting they had come from phoney “colleges” like “Fitzwilliam” and “King’s” for “supervisions”, we knew we had a serious tourism problem, so we took steps’, one porter told this magazine. Just what those steps were cannot be disclosed — though we are told that they involved gallons of Gorilla Glue —, but the results cannot be disputed: an 85% reduction in illegal entries and a 98% reduction in tourist violence against college members. It is unclear whether the Home Office is indeed considering some porters for senior roles, as others have reported.

Freshers urged not to attempt ‘The Burnham Bounce’ at MASH

After the Starmer Slump comes the Burnham Bounce — but not at MASH, the popular Cambridge club and broad-based cauldron of iniquity. ‘Though the college is of course politically neutral’, Sir David (long may he reign) is supposed to have told freshers during their matriculation dinner, ‘we ask that you refrain from “bouncing” as the Prime Minister has. It is not safe’. The college nurse told this magazine: ‘The first week of term we had all sorts of freshers coming in here complaining that they had been “bounced out”. It’s vile, really, and anyway you certainly can’t do that sort of thing all together. It just won’t work’. There is a feeling amongst some at the college that this guidance has been unusually restrictive. ‘First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out, because I was not a communist. Then they came for the bouncers, and there was no one left to speak out for me’, one undergraduate told us. The Labour Party has been contacted for comment.

Macron to address nation after Fitzwilliam College set aflame

The recent arson incident at Fitzwilliam College (Ed: yes, somebody lit some rooms on fire — no, we are not joking) has discomfited more than the very, very few students who live there and so know where it is and whether it is even really susceptible of the kind of arson attack that we are in a position to say did in actual fact occur there sometime last week. It has discomfited the very highest levels of the French government, who while not much interested in other aspects of British domestic policy are taking a keen interest in this one. French President Emmanuel Macron reached out to the Prime Minister to offer his support in this difficult moment for his premiership, and Mr Burnham is supposed to have agreed to ‘go swops’ with the French leader on domestic bin fires real and figurative in perpetuity. ‘I owe you one’, Burnham apparently added, wondering at his luck. The speech, to be broadcast this evening, will feature, among other Frenchified rhetorical flourishes, a stirring passage comparing the scorched remains of Fitz’s Wherethehellisit Court, where the Prime Minister is understood to have lived for a time, with the Channel as well as the Russo–Ukrainian war.