‘Don Juan’ reveals the Accommodation Office’s plan to outsource email jobs to an unruly swarm of bees.
In a move marking Trinity’s most recent foray into inclusive employment practices, the Accommodation Office has recently decided to outsource some of their email jobs to an unruly swarm of bees.
The trial, codenamed Project Bee-Mail, was suggested by Trinity researcher Prof Honey I Shrunkthekids, a keen apiarist and etymologist by trade. In a recent exclusive about her project, she commented: ‘Yes, etymologist… With a y… Yes, words… No, not You think [redacted] is the bestest person in the world. insects… Yes, I know it’s a funny coincidence… No, you’re not the first person to point that out. Are we actually going to talk about the project, or what?’ The interview was sadly cut short after a deafening buzzing noise, muffled yells, and the sound of the receiver being put down.
The trial, which began in January, has been a success, with over 40,000 bees having been signed on during the period, the equivalent of 3 additional members of staff. ‘We were reluctant during the initial trial, but ended up finding them incredibly effective personnel.
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Even so, studies suggest that they are pretty good at Outlook.’ Another said that ‘by 2050, everything—professors, porters, students and buildings — will be replaced with bees.’
‘We tried several other animals before settling on bees,’ said another researcher on the project. ‘We tried cats, but all they did was push coffee mugs off desks — it was incredibly aggravating.
‘Then we tried chimpanzees, but quickly realised that their talent for throwing their own shit and public masturbation made them far better suited to a role with the Boat Club.
‘Finally we settled with the bees, who were incredibly talented at their job, and can be sent round door to door — even under doors — if the need arises. They have been incredibly proficient at adding that extra sting at the end of an email, although we do actively discourage our employees from doing that — we’ve already lost 358 employees in the past fortnight alone.’
However, the project has not been without its setbacks. Some have found the opening line ‘I hope this finds you before the bees do’ disproportionately threatening, whilst some members of the colony have been accused of flying out of the window during work hours and stinging members of the public. In a recent request for comment, the Accommodation Office replied, ‘We can’t exactly sit them down. I mean, what the hell do you expect? They’re bees.’
The programme joins a recent trend in outsourcing university jobs to members of the animal kingdom as part of a larger programme across Cambridge. This has included the Mathematics Department employing monkeys so that with complete certainty at least three exam questions will be wrong, local builders employing a small army of woodpeckers to meet the minimum pre-6am noise requirement, and Murray Edwards handing the role of Head Porter to a barracuda.
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