‘Don Juan’ conjures up some creative ways to miss your exams.
Examinations, it has been said, are invariably
- painful;
- inevitable; and
- liable to make your balls shrivel.
There is, however, another way: become immune, or better yet, simply avoid them in the first place. So, putting the lactation back into your delactation [sic], here is a miscellaneous miscellany of methods to go AWOL during your assessments, give or take some short detours through your local hospital / clapper / laboratory / funny farm (delete where necessary).
I
The raw chicken method is an oldie but goldie. But why not aim more niche than good ol’ Sam n’ Ella? Biology’s just like cooking—and you should always lick the spoon. Three licks of the petri dishes down, and you’ll pretty much be one yourself!
II
Velocity’s the key. Much like the punchline to the famed joke about finding the quickest way to the hospital, simply cycle with the full pelt of an unladen European swallow into a tree of your choice. Oak’s the connoisseur’s choice, but birch will do.
III
It’s Throwback Thursday, and you know what that means? The panini press of love is back! Just seven minutes in heaven with your toaster of choice and all of Great Court will whiff of eau de pepperoni for weeks.
IV
After all the to-ing and fro-ing about fabricating diagnoses for exam dispensations, why not up the ante and stage an enormous coronary in the hall? With those acting chops, at least you can tread the boards when the degree bottoms out.
V
Madness is more or less a given in Trinity, so why not go the extra mile: smother your nuts in jam (Marks’ finest) and go out stark-bollock naked into Trinity street. It might not get you out of exams but it will keep the tourists off the lawn for awhile.
VI
Sharpen the crayons, and whip out a fresh design for the Brewhouse 2046. It doesn’t take an architecture degree (evidently)—anything remotely resembling a building and you’ll automatically graduate double first headlong into a lucrative contract with whatever muppet it was who greenlit the world’s most expensive garden shed.
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