Rumours of AI Takeover Greatly Exaggerated, Says Definitely Human Spokesperson
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Recently, accusations have swirled that Travisty has been using AI to write its articles. This is categorically false and is a repulsive smear. At Travisty, we take great pride in the fact that every questionable joke, baffling metaphor, and regrettable pun comes straight from the beautifully warped minds of our humans writers. Recent lies suggesting that we’ve outsourced our creative process to AI are not only untrue — they’re offensive. No machine could possibly replicate the raw chaos, caffeine-fuelled ramblings, and last-minute panic that define our editorial process. We asked Trinity College is under increasing pressure from the ChatGPT to write for us once, but even it said no. Rest assured, our commitment to mediocre human comedy remains unwavering.
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Hall of Cards
Mere weeks after the scaffolding came down, Great Hall has collapsed into a pile of rubble—the most impressive pile of rubble in Europe. The ancient foundations crumbled in the early hours, as the students lay sleeping/studying/performing un-speakable acts. Three nonagenarian fellows — scrounging for a midnight snack of port and cheese — were crushed beneath the vaulted beams, freed from a miserable existence of sneering at contemptible undergraduates. Student and staff food service will continue as normal in the Old Kitchens and fellows will be rationed to two bottles of wine and one roast swan per dinner. Trinity’s architects are already furiously scribbling designs for a new Greater Hall to rise from the rubble. Travesty is hoping and praying that it won’t be brutalist.
Cruel and Unusual
Trinity deported two international students last night to the infamous torture prison known as St John’s. The unfortunate individuals were picked up at their end-of-term tutor meeting by heavily armed porters. The Master has given no definitive reason for the deportations, simply stating that the students were ‘undermining the security of the college’. Fifteen law students have signed an open letter condemning the action as ‘immoral’ and ‘unconstitutional’. Given the College Council’s history of blatantly disregarding the College Statutes (and retro-actively amending them), it is unlikely the two students will be able to return to the safety of Trinity before they graduate.
Otter-cisation
The College Council have come under criticism (yet again) this month for their decision to evict the ‘squatter’ otters from Burrell’s Field for failing to pay the Kitchen Fixed Charge.
‘It’s just not fair on the other animals’, said the Head of Catering in a press release. ‘The badgers, the [redacted], and the foxes pay the charge. So do the students. Oh, we’re pretending they don’t? They’ve been rolled into the [redacted]? So we can add it back in three years’ time? Very sly. Anyway, as I was saying, they seem to think that some animals are more equal than others. Well, they’re not, all animals are equal, and only the College Council is more equal than the rest. They eat the same insects and pondlife we serve in Hall, so they can pay the same as everybody else.
The otters have only recently returned to Cambridge, making a remarkable comeback nationwide from the [redacted] extinction. One senior fellow was overheard suggesting that the potent pesticide [redacted] should be dumped into Bin Brook to ‘remedy’ the situation.
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