Aries
This week you will suddenly wake up with the newfound ability to tell the left and right Twix bars apart. You will, however, lose the ability to differentiate between left and right.
Taurus
This week you will send the drunk text you meant for your girlfriend to your mother. You will thank God it was that way round.
Gemini
This week you will attain the power of clairvoyance. Your horoscope has been published in the next edition.
Cancer
Just as Mars ascends, so will your testes. Prepare for seven more years of puberty.
Leo
This week, you will pour 1 part dry vermouth, 6 parts gin into a mixer with ice. You will stir well and strain into a chilled glass. You will also squeeze lemon oil from its peel into the drink and garnish with an olive.
Virgo
This week you will hand in an essay so atrocious your supervisor will make you watch from the cuck chair.
Libra
This week you will be hit by a reasonably large object, about the size of the moon if Wales was the size of my left nut, or about the size of a 2007 Toyota Prius. You guessed it — it’s a 2007 Toyota Prius.
Scorpio
This week you will turn into a gigantic bug. You won’t have time to worry about this, as your dissertation deadline is that afternoon.
Sagittarius
As we are carrying out a ‘streamlining’ of the Travisty format and editorial team, we will be reducing our horoscope budget. Consequently, all Sagittarius members of college will be summarily executed to ease up the Travisty overheads.
Capricorn
To be honest, I didn’t think you’d check this far. This week, you should find a hobby.
Aquarius
This week you will eat Pisces.
Yum yum — fish supper.
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