‘Dundee’ copes with the loss of our late ethics editor by sweating out every sport our university has to offer.
Archery
Was Robin Hood bi? Yes, he hung around with merry men. I rest my case.
Boxing
I got the shit beat out of me and I never went back. Good if you’re into that sort of thing.
Cricket
I was initially hopeful. However, to my horror, they don’t let you bat for both sides!
Croquet
Golf but somehow posher. Every croqueter is a metrosexual with a billion-pound trust fund. Don’t let the snazzy scarf and orange chinos fool you: they’ll croquet your brains out if you give them the chance.
Cycling
Everyone’s a cyclist at Cambridge, but not everyone is a cyclist. The perfect place to pick up MAMILs, if you’re looking for a bear. I was shocked to find out that the helmet stays on in bed.
Football
Horrifically straight. They should bring back the short shorts of the 1970s.
Golf
Slightly less horrifically straight. The only place you’ll find married students at this university is out on the Gog Magog Golf Course. I thought the rowers wore repellent clothing but somehow God has created something worse. A great sport if you’re desperately trying to cover up a filthy fling from your partner.
Gymnastics
Gymnasts rarely leave anything to the imagination — it’s maddeningly impressive. They’re flexible, so feel free to stand them up or jilt them. These athletes will bend over backwards to give you a good time.
Judo
I have no fucking clue what’s going on but it’s sweaty and it’s physical and I love it.
Lacrosse
Unfortunately, this version is non-contact, but you still get to brandish your stick in the air. This sport has no pitch boundaries so it’s not uncommon to elope mid-match with a rival for a coffee date at Fitzbillies while one of you cradles the ball.
Modern Pentathlon
A jack of all trades is a master of none; if you’re looking for someone dominant, look elsewhere, there be no masters here!
Pole Sports
Incredibly demanding on the core but you learn some fantastic positions. You only find people at the extremes here, so minus points.
Powerlifting
You need to make the most of the powerlifters while you can. Once they hit thirty, the chronic arthritis kicks in and their replacement pelvis shatters irreparably. Often, they’re too juiced up on [redacted] and buffalo hormones to do much more than grunt for pillow-talk.
Rowing
Every rower is secretly (or sometimes not so secretly) bisexual. The government puts something in the water. While they can be fun for a soggy fling, dating a rower means early mornings, midnight ergs, and incessant wittering about 2ks, bumps, and two-seat rushing the f—ing slides.
Rugby
Bisexual, but in a bad way. Everyone’s so far in the closet they’re shagging Mr Tumnus. What happens in the showers makes the rowers look like Puritans. Join if you like being at the bottom of a scrum.
Tennis
A lot of grunting, yet behind all that, not much substance. Most players hit both forehand and backhand so bonus points for swinging both ways.
Skiing
One hears the Varsity team spend more time snorting snow than skiing in it. Overrun with public school layabouts who’ve picked up a love of experimentation from their boarding school days… if you can tolerate the sneering, leering accents.
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