‘Don Juan’ announces the commencement of the Great Trinity Tourist Cull.
Upon the lowering the traditional Trinity flag and the hoisting of a scrap of blood-red fabric, Trinity’s annual tourist cull has been declared in session.
The Master has recently outlined her programme for combatting the inexplicable rise in tourist numbers: ‘With tourists becoming increasingly dangerous to public health and increasingly resistant to culls, carrying out such measures are increasingly necessary to prevent AMR [Anti-Massacre Resistance].’ After saying this, she blew an antiquarian bugle reserved in the Master’s Lodge solely for this occasion, daubing her face with woad, and issuing a bloodthirsty scream and running her chariot into the fray.
The yearly hunt, described by one academic as being ‘like the purge, only more harrowing’, takes place to alleviate the midterm blues and to combat the overpopulation of tourists. It was originated in 1598 by a group of bored students who were waiting patiently for the internet to be invented so they could finally procrastinate properly. During the initial incident, a lost traveller was confused for a Frenchman and was shot with a bow and arrow. It was later discovered that he in fact wasn’t French and this was simply the way he spoke.
Since the inaugural hunt, there has been a steady increase in the numbers of tourists culled year on year, reaching a record high in 2026. Despite the loss of habitat in the form of low shrubberies and Gail’s, tourists have no natural predators apart from punt operators.
Trinity has been trialling several non-lethal deterrents, such as pretending to be Murray Edwards for a week and removing the signs saying ‘No Access’, so tourists have nothing to flagrantly ignore. However, it was found that the only remotely effective method of deterrent was to assume any persons on Trinity grounds were students and putting them through Tripos on a subject which they chose four years ago — and have since lost all interest or affection for — and dragging them through a series of absurd and humiliating academic hurdles (though this treatment has been deemed needlessly cruel and degrading).
The Royal Society for the Protection of Tourists (RSPT) has urged College gardeners not to strim patches of long grass in case any tourists have become lost and are taking a nap in the undergrowth. The society is also providing food for any tourist who has become dislodged from their pack, in the form of Fitzbillies Chelsea buns and a bowl of milk (not opting for Sainsbury’s own-brand as tourists won’t settle for anything less than unreasonably overpriced). David Attenborough has already gained the rights for a documentary about their plight. ‘Their condition is so pitiable — such a cull is woefully inhuman,’ intoned the naturalist, ‘but unfortunately we cannot allow our cameramen to intervene, and must allow nature to take its course. It’s only natural to restore balance to the ecosystem.’
In an effort for more humane treatment, Trinity has trialled a system of placing tourists into a massive box and releasing them into the hill colleges. One group of tourists was reportedly seen crying at the faceless walls and imposing brutalist architecture of Churchill, asking whether this actually was Cambridge.
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