‘Dundee’ brings you live results from the 2025 Oxbridge Coat-of-Arms Intercollegiate Varsity.
Corpus Christi
Cambridge starts off the match well with two pious pelicans pecking at their breasts to feed blood to their three starving chicks, on a blood-red background no less. The white lilies for the Virgin Mary can’t hurt either. Oxford has the pelican wounding itself, but no chicks to feed — silly bird! Cambridge begins the competition with a comfortable win.
Jesus
Some might say that having three black cocks on your shield with bulging wattles is highly inappropriate and it appears that the judges agree. The silver stags bring Oxford their first point, evening the score at 1 all.
Magdalen(e)
Everybody knows the judges go woozy for a bit of ermine, but it appears that Magdalen has over done it — no wonder their fellows were expulsed! The judge thinks they’re playing a really sh— game of chess; sounds like they’ve been checkmated by Magdalene’s golden eagles and martlets. Cambridge grabs a 2.1!
Pembroke
Cambridge takes a respectable lead with their left-hand side: classy martlets on a striped background. But then it all comes crashing down with a disastrous right: the squirrel fur doesn’t work. However, since the Oxford crest is repugnant on all fronts, the judges have called a dead heat. Both contestants have been asked to have a long, hard look at themselves.
Queen(’)s(’)
Cambridge must have been smoking something strong when they fielded this monstrosity, and the judges want a sniff of it. Oxford’s red eagles are so suave in comparison! And that hexagram adds a certain je ne sais quoi that Cambridge just can’t beat. If only they’d chosen their wild boar badge, Oxford wouldn’t be drawing level with an embarrassing 2.2.
St Catherine’s
Why have one wheel when you could have four? Because it looks sh—, that’s why. 3-2 to Cambridge.
St Edmund(‘s) (Hall)
St Edmund’s foolishly took something out of Queens’ book with this messy masterpiece. It looks closer to Great Court E’s toilet after curry night in hall than a respectable coat of arms. St Edmund Hall, on the other hand, clearly don’t serve meat feast pizza every f—ing week. It’s level once more at 3 all.
St John’s
Oxford’s decision to border their crest with winking arseholes and put a cock-ring pride of place lets Cambridge win by default. The judges appreciate their black lion on ermine (regal!) but it feels more like a sticker than a coup de grâce, which is a shame as Cambridge’s design is totally uninspired. 4-3 to Tabs.
Trinity
With the sexiest coat of arms in the whole of Oxbridge, Trinity Cambridge wins by a land slide. Lion? Check. Red roses? Check. Powerful big-d— energy chevron? Check. Golden bible? Take two. Oxford’s pathetic performance doesn’t stand a chance—even the American universities have better crests! Double points recover from being up-close and personal with the to Cambridge for being so f—ing good: 6-3.
Wolfson
While the inverted colour scheme definitely didn’t work for Oxford’s Trinity, it somehow works for Oxford’s Wolfson. Maybe the judges are simply hungry and they’d do anything for those two succulent young pears. Maybe. And Cambridge, there is such thing as too much ermine. 6-4.
That brings us to the end of the this year’s Coat-of- Arms Intercollegiate Varsity. Yet again, Cambridge has won with a comfortable 6-4. Here at Travisty, we’re all preparing for the shitstorm that’s going to be kicked up CamCrest and OxArms. (Remember last year’s ’Why St Peter’s vs Peterhouse?)
Maybe next time we’ll look at all of Oxford’s college crests. Maybe. Most of them are really f—ing ugly; I mean really. Looks like you picked the right uni…
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