Travisty

‘The Fat Man’s Mad Cantab Lab Rat’ is now lord of all the beasts of the sea and the fishes of the earth.

Here lie the remains of Ferdinand Fishus,
A being so halcyon and propitious,
A victim of a crime so vicious
I dread to tell his tale.
‘Twas on a Wednesday morn,
The water of his lake illumined,
The willow leaves rustling in the new wind,
That one man, who had hitherto sinned
Never in his life,
Performed a terrible deed!
The man, whose name was Parthenocissus,
Cut short the sweet life of Ferdinand Fishus.

Here lie the remains of Ferdinand Fishus,
Abducted by a figure insititious,
He took one bite of a surreptitious
Feathered fishing fly:
Parthenocissus stood by.
Then suddenly, Ferdinand’s world turned over,
His gills collapsed in like a supernova,
He knew, then and there, he would see Jehovah,
And, truth be told, he would.
The fishing rod reeled him in.
The net took him up (oh, how expeditious!)
And there, on the lakeside, lay Ferdinand Fishus.

Here lie the remains of Ferdinand Fishus,
Removed from his shelter recrementitious,
He squirmed in his net, ever oppositious
To these novel surroundings above.
Then Hades, he broke my heart!
He fashioned a priest from a riverside ash limb,
And offered the tool for this purpose: to bash him,
Thus, Parthenocissus proceeded to dash him
On the top of his scaly head:
One blow – and he struck it well.
A haemorrhage, crimson and icteritious,
Deluged through the blank eyes of Ferdinand Fishus.

Here lie the remains of Ferdinand Fishus,
Embalmed with the tears of Parthenocissus,
Who, struck by his having been injudicious,
Collapsed onto his knees
And wailed towards the sky.
What fault of judgment allowed this unfolding?
Would heaven above, this occasion beholding,
Condemn this man’s murder with curses scolding;
Or would forgiveness come?
What would become of him?
The verdict divine for this action pernicious
Would vindicate or disgrace Ferdinand Fishus.

Here lie the remains of Ferdinand Fishus,
The wisdom of whose killer, quite unmalicious,
Concluded at last, through his morals ambitious
That he would atone his sin.
The skies looked down on him,
As Parthenocissus, aspiring for penance,
Ascended a hill, and there, buried the remnants
Of Ferdinand, offering for his amenance
A prayer that he might have peace
In heaven with ichthyoid friends.
And here ends the story of Parthenocissus,
Who buried the priest that slew Ferdinand Fishus.

Here lie the remains of Ferdinand Fishus,
A tragedy’s hero, whose fate inauspicious
Will live on forever. This is not fictitious,
I probably should add:
Dear Ferdinand was real.
His life was one in which he should have flourished,
Yet suffered an outcome which I have on none wished,
And all for the sake that one should be nourished –
An appetite satisfied.
He will be dearly missed.
So, next time you eat a fish fillet delicious,
Remember the sad tale of Ferdinand Fishus.