‘Rattanfowl’ speaks truth to power.
Some of the keener-sighted members of our community may have noticed a significant influx of new students this academic year. The mainstream narrative has been to label these immembers as ‘freshers’, students just like us. But many members of our community have pointed out the beneficial treatment these ‘freshers’ have received: not only have they been immediately granted accommodation, but the college has also arranged events and dinners exclusively for them, all while neglecting us members with a more long-standing link to these grounds. These immembers have even been issued pamphlets on ‘Understanding behaviours and expectations in Trinity: a guide for new members’, to make sure they integrate and contribute. But this is simply impossible, they’re too inexperienced and lazy. I’ve seen them partying and clubbing near every night, they just don’t want to work and contribute to the college. They’re only here to take advantage of our massive endowment of funds, fine quality port, and gorgeous men.
We all know that these individuals cannot be true Trinitarians. How can they if they don’t look like us? Their eyes emit some strange scintillating light, and many have been seen upturning the corners of their mouths, features far too foreign to evade notice. We believe these people must be here to damage Trinity culture and replace our student body.
Thus, like Atlas, we have placed the burden of the world on our shoulders by working tirelessly to find the root cause, so that we may save Trinity from civilisational collapse. Through this effort we have got to the bottom of this befuddlement: these ‘members’ must be illegal immembers from other colleges, sent by the elites of St John’s in small boats over the Cam to destroy Trinity from within. In this the college has been complicit, and it is only thanks to our work that you may hear the truth.
One brave reporter, Ray Cistern, confronted one such group engaging in a small boat crossing. These revellers feigned complete innocence, supposedly ‘going for a punt’, but we assure our readers this is mere code. Punt, or P.U.N.T., stands for Penetrating Under the Noses of Trinitarians. Open admission of invasion could not be any more blatant.
The conspiracy can only be explained by long-standing resentment from the other colleges over our dominance of the city and university. They seem to be led by a small group of elites over at St John’s consisting of freemasons. Their invasive species, the ‘freshers’, will overrun the college if drastic action is not taken.
Our noble readers! Don’t let these freshers fool you. We at Travisty must limit ourselves to journalism, and could not dare take practical action, for we do so much work as it is! We leave it to you, to show these freshers what we’re made of, so we may reform and restore Trinity for the better.
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