‘The Fat Man’s Mad Cantab Lab Rat’ has not been heard from since.
A routine inspection of the colleges of Cambridge has revealed a shocking discovery in the basement of one of their most prestigious.
Travisty can reveal that on the night of Saturday, 17 October 2026, a brigade of University staff entered Trinity Hall and found a dungeon containing dozens of people, captured over the span of many years. The makeup of the dungeon consists overwhelmingly of lost tourists from all over the world, and one drunk medical student who claimed to be from a Cambridge college called ‘Christ Christi’. Despite being locked away for such a long period of time, they all appear in good shape and nourishment. The team also found no trace of alcohol, which further confuses the situation of the medical student.
The journalists present were given permission to speak to only one of the hostages. Trinity Hall denied any other requests for comment.
John, whose name has been altered to protect his anonymity, has been kept underneath the grounds of Tit Hall for eleven years now.
‘I had left my hotel that morning, and was walking through Cambridge to see the famous parts of the University’, said John, ‘and the last thing I remember was going down a cobbled pathway. I wanted to find Trinity College, and a very helpful student pointed down this pathway and said that it was there. I wasn’t 100% sure about it, so I began to ask her if she was sure, but by then, she had already cycled off’.
It appears that John was given directions down Senate House Passage, not along Trinity Street, which is how he stumbled upon Trinity Hall’s porters’ lodge.
‘The sign outside said Trinity Hall, so I thought I’d go in. They’ve got pictures of Newton, Ramanujan, Bacon, and so many others I wanted to see. Trinity’s got loads of famous alumni, which is why so many people like me want to see inside.’
He was mistaken. John entered the lodge, and asked if he could go and see the hall. The porters responded that this was Trinity Hall, not Trinity’s hall, before radioing an on-duty porter to take him to Trinity College’s porters’ lodge. Very civilised. John had not even finished saying ‘thank you’, however, before the gate behind him slammed shut. The curtains closed themselves and the lights began to dim. He heard one of the porters say, ‘Well, given that you’re here now, why not take a look around our college?’, before a trapdoor collapsed beneath his feet and he fell down into a vast, dark room.
Travisty is joining other humanitarian organisations, and the new Master of Trinity College, Sir David Baulcombe, in a rescue effort to free the hostages from the dungeon. Two of our writers, ‘Pumblechook’ and ‘The Fat Man’s Mad Cantab Lab Rat’, are currently in diplomatic talks with the Master of Trinity Hall, Mary Hockaday.
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