Life giving you problems? Then make problem-ade.
Aries
This week you will look closely at your matriculation photograph and realise that, standing in your spot is someone who looks exactly like you, but isn’t you. You will go about the rest of your day feeling a little uneasy.
Taurus
This week you will realise that, like a river, you are only beautiful because you are constantly changing. Like a river, this week you will also be chock full of E. Coli.
Gemini
This week you should open your heart to change and convert to another religion for a change of scene. Can’t hurt to hedge your bets.
Cancer
This week you will have a charming dream about being a squirrel, before waking up, buttcrack naked, in a tree in Burrell’s surrounded by five porters and a chaplain, each with butterfly nets.
Leo
This week you will find out that Virgo’s horoscope is false.
Virgo
This week you will find out that Leo’s horoscope is true.
Libra
This week you might [redacted]. Allegedly. You might also [redacted]. Supposedly.
Scorpio
This ‘week’ you will have a lovely ‘meeting’ with your ‘supervisor’ about your ‘dissertation’, before riding your ‘bicycle’ into the centre of ‘town’ for a ‘coffee’.
Sagittarius
This week you will fail at bondage, but end up accidentally tying your boyfriend up into a lovely macramé plant pot.
Capricorn
This week you should consider making like a duck and getting the fuck out of my sight before I’m no longer responsible for my actions.
Aquarius
This week you will — zzz — wait, do you hear that — zzzzzzz — wait, it’s getting louder, just shut up a second — zzzzZZZZZZZZ — holy shit! We’re being attacked by a swarm of killer bees! Oh my god! For fuck’s sake, ru —
Pisces
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